Making Yourself Small - The Unfair Trade
“Real friends don’t have to make you feel small to make themselves feel big” is something I say to my kids mostly about friendships or relationships. I think most of us can remember, as a kid, the feelings of shock, hurt and embarrassment when someone you like and thought you could trust says something mean to get a laugh from others. They make you feel small to make themselves feel better, bigger, more popular and impressive, all at your cost.
After a conversation with a friend on this topic the other day I started thinking that this idea of small vs big is more than just friendships or relationships. Many situations in life can make you feel small, or not qualified, or that you simply don't fit in, knocking your confidence until you think that you add no worth or value. The job where you feel overlooked, the social group where you don’t feel like you quite belong or the comparisons of success you make between yourself, friends, people online etc.
The types of conversations I have with my kids are examples of when other people make you feel small, helping them to have context around making friendships. What happens though when it’s our own self that is creating the big-small divide? What about if you are deliberately making yourself small?
What does small look like?
It’s a slippery slope making yourself small, it might be in response to a fear of judgement or rejection, trying to fit in, assuming that others, simply have a greater ability than you do. These thoughts are frequently not based in fact, based rather in our assumptions of other people’s opinions. If you’d like to read more about how to tackle imposter syndrome read my blog here.
It often starts with small conversations with yourself, saying “I’m just not that good” or the classic “I just got lucky”! These small, little thoughts lead to a slippery slope of lowered self-esteem and confidence, increased self-doubt and a cycle of imposter syndrome, the more you feel like you don’t belong the smaller you make yourself.
You also start to lose the ability to act, start to be trapped in an uncomfortable, comfort zone full of the little internal voices and self-limiting beliefs that tell you this is the only thing you can do or deserve. Making yourself small comes with a hefty price, you don’t just feel progressively worse about yourself, but you also lose potential, the potential opportunities that might have been generated from different response, the increases in confidence that might have come from completing choosing the more difficult option, the resilience and learning that comes from being wrong and failing.
Does this speak to you? Are you making yourself small? It’s an easy place to slide into, so be kind to yourself. Maybe ask yourself:
Do you know why you do it?
What thoughts hold you back?
What are your cues, what might trigger this small mentality?
The positives of thinking small
Small doesn’t always equal bad though! Don’t forget about the power of small, small is always part of large, a cog in the wheel, the beginning of a ripple and who knows where that will end!
Without small change there would be no big change. In fact, big change often looks overwhelming and difficult. When I work with clients, I always start with one tiny step forward because it feels achievable, but you have no idea of the full potential of that action!
Small acts of kindness rarely make just a small impact. A smile of the street, a kind word, a recognition of achievement, a simple acknowledgement of being can make the biggest impact on people, potentially starting a chain reaction.
If you know you have a little voice in your head that encourages you to play small then have a look at my self-limiting beliefs workbook, or if you’d like more help than that contact me about a coaching discovery call, 20 minutes to explore your thoughts and find out how coaching might help you.
Suggested Books
1. The Imposter cure – Dr Jessamy Hibberd
2. Playing Big – Tara Mohr